QE Reds and Blues...

Halfway through my QE and I'm zombified. Ok. Maybe QE is not the cause of my zombification. To establish if it is, I need to establish that: (1)QE occurs before my zombification, (2) zombification occurs shortly after my QE, (3) the correlation between my QE and my zombification must be high, (4) when there's no QE, I'm not zombified, and (5) if I manipulate whether I'm doing my QE or I'm shopping, the effect elicited should change according to the manipulation, i.e. if I'm doing my QE, I should be zombified, but not when I'm shopping. GOSH. It does seem that QE causes my zombification, or to be even more precise, being in academia zombifies instead of recharging me.

It's been some time since I had that debate with myself - is research really what I wanna do for my whole life? Hmm... I looked forward to preparing for QE because I wanted time to sit down and really understand each field. Unfortunately, time pressures and zombification and I guess the impossibility of reading every single thing in every single field within a single month led to the disappointment. Compared to all the other examinations that I've taken, I don't feel that I have done well for my QE. Sometimes, I think, maybe it'll be good that I can retake my QE, just for the sake of being able to understand the methodology and the field better. But it's too BORING! It's boring to just sit and read without being able to apply it, without being able to discuss it with someone, without being able to argue and push ideas further. There's just so many things that I can do in the field of OB, so many things that I want to research. Like just now, I happened to come across this lab that Lilia Cortina is in charge of, and it is just so interesting - Gender and Respect. Researchers in that lab examine how women are being sexually harassed at work, whether, how and why women and LGBTIQ individuals are being discriminated against, and tons of other interesting and exciting work! I wish I can be a part of that team. Research is being done there because of ideals, because of interest, because of passion. Not because we all have to publish in some top-tier journal. Sigh... I guess I'll never come round to this notion of forced pubs in academia. It's so tiring to keep trying to please people. Heck! Different people have different opinions about research, different people have different opinions about what constitutes an important study, and most of the studies that get published in top-tier journals don't really have any useful practical implications anyway! ARGH. Is there anywhere in the world who will RESPECT me for the work I'm doing? It's so demotivating to come out of QE and have people tell you that the mainstream researchers are much better than those in the niche area that I'm in. Can I tell them that as a researcher, perceptions of "better" are subjective? If I say that I am a better person than you, what am I trying to say? Better in what? Anyhow, I love what I'm doing even if I'm gonna take a million years to learn it. Not gonna let anyone look me down. HMPH.